Solidarity

Many of you who read this blog are friends and family of mine...thanks for reading and for your support.  For those few of you that are not, how did you find this blog?  What keeps you coming back?  Perhaps it's the randomness of my posts?  Or maybe you just googled something weird like "coconut cream pie" and came up with this blog?  Maybe you are going through the infertility journey yourself and are looking for anything to inform you, entertain you, or make you feel like you're not alone?

If you are here because of the final reason, then this post is for you.  I want to share a little story.  A few months ago I was sitting in my doctor's office.  I was there early, before work, waiting to get my blood drawn and for the inevitable ultrasound that involves a table and stirrups...you know what I mean.  Anyway, it's a fun way to start the day, let's just say that.  As I was waiting for the one hundred millionth billionth gazillionth blood draw, I looked around the room.  There were a handful women (and a few men) all sitting, awaiting the same fate.  We were all politely "minding our own business," not wanting to make eye contact for fear of invasion of privacy or something.  I was playing the game too...and it made me sad.

You see, what I really wanted to do was reach out and say, "Hey, I am going through this crap too and it really stinks, doesn't it?"  I guess you could say that I wanted solidarity.  I didn't want the awkward silence. I wanted something more.  No, I wasn't expecting a prayer circle or a rendition of Kum Ba Yah to get busted out, but maybe a nod...or perhaps a smile???  Why?  Because we need each other.  This little world of infertility isn't really that little at all and what if we all smiled at each other and made a pact that we are in a "safe place" when we're together?  We need to know that we are not alone...we can draw strength from that.  While everyone's journey is personal and unique, it is our responsibility to not be ashamed or embarassed of our situation. 

So the next time you are at your doctor's office, I challenge you to smile or nod, or heck, say hi and introduce yourself.  What have you got to lose?  My guess is that it's a lot less than you will have to gain.  Let's do this together...solidarity.

Getting By with a Little Help

Personally, I find it hard to ask for help.  I like people to think that I am cool, calm, collected and that I have everything together.  In fact, most of the time when someone offers to help me, I decline, almost insulted that they would even think that I need help.  That's messed up, right?  Maybe it has something to do with trying to prove myself all of these years...perhaps it's my pride that gets in the way...I'm not sure.

When it comes to my infertility journey however, I knew that I needed some help.  Our minds are amazing...always in motion...always churning out crazy thoughts...and I swear that as women, our brains work over-time.  So, when I found out about my infertility, I knew I would need some support. 

I knew that some people have really benefitted from talking things out and I felt that I might benefit too.  I did some research and found a wonderful therapist.  She even specializes in infertility.  It's a relief to have an outlet for talking about my infertility journey.  Friends and family are great, but they don't need to be burdened by all of this and they don't always know what to say.  As weird as it may sound, I look forward to seeing my therapist, because I know that after I leave, I will have some good advice to take with me.  Not only that, but I always leave feeling a little lighter and a little more hopeful. 

Here's my advice to you.  If you are having any troubles in your own life, seek help.  It's not a sign of weakness.  In fact, in my opinion, it's a sign of strength.  Everybody's journey in life is different and sometimes we need a little help in getting through it all.

The Invisible Pain of Infertility Redbook Article - November 2011 Issue

http://www.redbookmag.com/health-wellness/advice/dealing-with-infertility

Check out this amazing article in the newest issue of Redbook Magazine.  It's an insightful piece that all women (and men!), not just those struggling with infertility, should read.

The article is aptly titled "The invisible pain of infertility."  The first paragraph alone was enough to move me..."Chances are, someone you're close to is struggling to get pregnant, but you may never know.  Redbook's on a mission to end the shame and secrecy of infertility - and you're about to join it." Amen to that! 

Interesting facts from the article:

1) "Infertility strikes one in eight women in the United States."
2) "Sixty-one percent of couples hide their infertility from family & friends."
3) "Anywhere from 10 to 20 percent of infertility is "unexplained" as in, there's no medical answer for why..."

Another great part of the ariticle is a highlighted box titled "4 Things NEVER to say to a Friend Who's Been Trying."  I am sure that people don't know what to say when I tell them what I'm going through...I know it's not easy for them either...but this is some good advice about what NOT to say...

1) "Just relax and you'll get pregnant."
2) "If it's meant to be, you'll have a child."
3) "So, are you pregnant?"
4) "Why don't you adopt"

Read the article for reasons why these statements and questions may cause us to cringe.

They also provide "2 Things ALWAYS to say":

1) "I'm here for you."
2) "You're not alone."

A great article indeed.  Pass it along to your friends and family.  The more we talk about it, the easier it will be for all of us!

Moving forward

It's been a few weeks since I posted anything about my baby journey.  Don't worry, nothing horrible has happened...I have just been in sort of a "limbo" with the whole process....or more appropriately, on a "vacation" from the whole process.

During this "limbo" I have managed to have some seriously good times.  I visited my amazing family in Nevada, I did some really fun cooking demos, I played black jack with my brother on his birthday, I drank beer at an Oktoberfest with my friends, I went to San Diego for a conference and I started the Rick Bayless Project!  :) 

I didn't realize how much I needed this break until now.  Let's just say I was totally burnt-out with everything.  I'm sorry, but I don't much enjoy the weekly uterine ultrasounds (or the early morning bus ride to get there), the blood draws, the multiple phone calls or medications.  To have these past two worry-free, stress-free months has been amazing.  I feel like I have my life back.  Even better though, I feel refreshed and ready to re-start the journey.

With that being said and now that I am feeling like my normal self again, we are moving forward in our baby journey.  Next week I am going to be having some diagnostic testing done and I am both excited and scared. Ultimately, I am hopeful that we will have more answers as well as a better understanding of why we are having such a hard time conceiving. 

Wish me luck and keep us in your prayers!!!  Here's to the baby journey and to  all of you that have provided me with such love and support.

I leave you with this quote:

"Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops...at all."  ~ Emily Dickinson

....couldn't have said it better myself.......

A bit of a break

If you haven't noticed, I haven't been blogging much about the baby-making journey.  Maybe you are hopeful that means I am pregnant...so nice of you to think so.  Unfortunately, that is not the case.  I haven't been talking about it too much because we have been officially taking a break from the process.  Yes, a month or so off while we figure out our next path.

I was both relieved and sad about the month off.  Relieved because I wouldn't have to go in for bi-weekly blood draws and ultrasounds.  Happy because I wouldn't have to give myself any injections or medications.  Elated because I could just live my "normal" life. 

However, as with most things in life, there are the downsides.  I was sad because this meant that nothing up to this point has worked for us.  Angry because I am afraid that a month off is one less chance at conceiving.  Upset because I am still without many answers.

So here we are, in a sort of limbo.  I am heading to the doctor this week for some tests and to start  a new process.  I am actually glad for this past month off as it has given me some new perspective...as well as some emotional sanity.  I continue to be hopeful that there will be a baby in our future.  Now that I have had some seriously-needed personal time, I am ready and able to get the proverbial "ball rolling." 

Here we go again.....

Feeling Funky

A few days ago I was feeling funky.  Not funky in a good, let's go dancing kind of way.  Nope, funky, in a "why do I feel so down?" kind of way. 

It was weird.  I don't normally feel that way, but for some reason I couldn't get out of it.  So, of course, I told my husband.  I expressed my feelings and tried to explain what was going on in my crazy mind.  Perhaps it was a culmination of emotions...from finding out I wasn't pregnant (it sometimes feels like I am swirling the toilet bowl here), to a super fun, yet roller coaster experience that I had last week, to this crazy economy of ours to the anxiety I feel towards the future...is it all of these things/emotions that are causing this?

Yes, there was indeed some turmoil going on inside my head. Honestly, I'm not sure how we as humans do it.  How is it possible to have all of our crazy thoughts and still manage to function and move forward?  How is it that we are able to cope when things seem off-kilter and we are just a comment or question away from breaking down and crying our eyes out?

Yet, we do it every single day.  Is it that hope for a new day that makes it all worthwhile?  Is it the love of your family that motivates you?  Is it the good friend that inspires you?  Is it the fact that just by being here, you may be making someone's life a little bit better?

Honestly, I think it's all of those things.  I firmly believe that we were all put here for a reason.  We may never get to know that reason, but I know that we all serve a purpose.  After talking with my husband that night I realized that I have so much to be happy about and grateful for.  Sometimes it just takes a little funkiness to make you appreciate how good you've really got it.

Yes, I am sad that I am not pregnant, but I am pretty sure that I have a lot to look forward to.  I honestly and totally believe that I am here for a reason....and if I am lucky enough to be here to just make one person's life a little bit easier/happier/better...than that might just be enough for me.

A Meaningful Quote

I had the fortunate opportunity of attending a local Resolve (The National Infertility Association) support group meeting.  I had been thinking about going for awhile, but never really put much effort into it.  Recently, I have felt like I needed the support of women like me and so I finally signed up and went to my first meeting.

I met some amazing women going through some pretty difficult stuff.  It made me feel better hearing thier stories and listening to the different ways they deal with all of this.  It was so great to be surrounded by people going through the same thing as me.  We all agreed that while everyone has the best intentions, they can't always provide the support like someone going through all of this can. 

The lovely woman who hosted the event left us with what I think is a very good and meaningful quote.  It's not only true for people on the baby journey like me, but for everyone.  I am personally going to post it on my refrigerator.

"When you're negative and receive a disappointment, you've been hurt twice. But when you're positive and receive a disappointment, you've only been hurt once."

So true!!!

A Reminder

Sometimes life gets busy and you are bound to forget certain things…like, “did I ever pick up that dry cleaning?” or “did I return that email?” or “did I really eat all of my secret chocolate stash without replacing it?”  Yes, even when I have every intention of remembering something, I can forget it.  (Even my trusty calendar has failed me…or maybe I have failed it?)

Anyway, I have forgotten something very important.  Something that my husband (did I mention how awesome he is?) had to remind me about and something that was ironically, a recent blogging topic of mine.  I have forgotten to just say “no.”  Oh my, I actually can’t believe it myself.  With the summer and all of the new amazing opportunities that have come about, I have totally over-committed myself.  The sad part is that I didn’t even realize it.  Nope, my husband had to tell me.

Here’s the deal, I love feeling needed and wanted.  Yup, and when people ask me to do stuff (now they’re asking me to do fun stuff…finally), I find it hard to turn them down.  Bad Sara!

My husband pointed out what should’ve been obvious to me, but wasn’t.  “You aren’t relaxing!”  I got defensive and tried to cut him off with an “I know! (said with a clippy, abrasive tone of course… geez, sometimes I am such a jerk).  After some good, calm, rational conversation I actually and honestly agreed with him.  Yes, I am doing it again…taking on too much. 

I guess I am trying to “fill” my days so that I am not constantly thinking about not being pregnant.  The more things I can cram into a day, the better.  It’s easier to not have to think about this baby journey when I am completely and utterly exhausted.  Plus, I have always come from a place (totally inflicted upon myself by myself) where I have felt that if I am not working (or working hard), I am not really “pulling my weight” so to speak. 

But see, that’s just the problem.  No one ever says that cramming your day full of events and working to exhaustion helps the baby-making process.  No, quite the opposite in fact.   As for work, it does not define who I am or need to validate me as a person.

So I am taking my husband’s gentle reminder to heart.  More yoga, more reading, perhaps back to acupuncture and maybe even a massage.  At the very least, no more pushing myself to the brink.  It’s time for me to realize that it’s my job now to take care of myself…perhaps I just need a reminder of that every once in awhile.

Guess what...life isn't fair

It's a lesson that we all learn throughout our lives isn't it?  I don't think I can even count the number of times I've said "that's not fair."  What's interesting is that we start learning this lesson early on in our lives...when we don't get that toy we want, when we can't leave the table until we finish our brussels sprouts, when we study hard and only get a C+, and on and on. 

As we get older this lesson gets a little bit harder to rationalize.  I thought that with age came reason, but sometimes it just stinks to be reasonable.  During this whole baby journey I have really struggled with this idea of fairness.  Everything about this process seems unfair.  It's not fair that two responsible, loving people can't conceive a child, it's not fair that crack-head moms can pop out what seems like 12 children at a time, it's not fair that EVERYONE around me is pregnant or is a mom!!!

I had just learned that I wasn't pregnant (a trend I am starting to get a little bit annoyed about), and I was all bent out of shape.  Luckily, I have a great support system (you know who you are!) including my amazing husband.  Anyway, we were walking home from work and happened to pass by the following: a woman kindly decling a solicitor at the door by saying, "I can't right now, I have to go and feed MY BABY."  Ok, maybe she didn't emphaize the "my baby" part, but that's what it seemed like (I know, but hey, I am sensitive and fragile!)  Here's the kicker though, after our run (a good way to vent frustration by the way) and trip to Chipotle (nothing heals like guacamole) later that evening we passed the same house.  And what do you know....there's that baby lady with her BABY!  Just standing there in the doorway, all happy and full of baby-ness. You may have had to have been there, but it sure felt like that lady was put there on purpose to remind me that I don't have a baby.  It was what my husband called "a double in-your-face" day.  This made me laugh so hard.  In fact, we laughed about the baby lady the rest of the way home.  

My point is this, life just isn't fair...but maybe that's not an entirely bad thing.  It may be that in these moments we can really gain insight about ourselves.  I know that I have learned that during these times I have to honor my feeling of loss and respect that dull ache in my heart.  That from these dark, unhappy moments I draw strength to move forward. Sure there are bumps in the road (and they are hurtful and unpleasant), but hey, life's not fair, and maybe there's a good reason for that.

Learning to Take Care of Me

April 28th, 2011

I realized something quite fascinating about myself recently.  I learned that I have a really hard time nurturing myself.  Seems like a strange thing to find out about yourself, but after reflecting on my life and trying to pinpoint the reasons for my recurring stress, I have come to that conclusion. I have spent so much time trying to make other people happy, that I have often neglected my own happiness and needs.  Please don't get me wrong, I am plenty happy, but I would say that I am a people pleaser.  I love saying "yes" to everything, knowing that by agreeing to it, I won't be dissappointing anyone.  It feels so good....or does it???

I guess maybe it doesn't.  By saying "yes" to everyone else, I am basically saying "no" to myself.  Only recently have I learned to put the word "no" into practice when others start to ask too much of me. It was a little scary at first (what will they think of me???  will they ever ask me to do anything again???, etc), but now it feels good.  It feels good because I am being honest with others and myself.  If I truly don't want to do something, I just respectfully say no.  No explanation needed, just "no."

This new found ability to say "no" has really empowered me.  I am beginning to understand that this journey through infertility is a little bit about being selfish.  Not selfish in the "I must always get my way" fashion, but selfish in the" it's ok to sit on the couch and read a book" kind of way.  I still struggle with relaxing, knowing that there are a million other things I should be accomplishing, but now I acknowlege it and allow myself these nurturing moments. 

I guess my point is, that everyone should take time to nurture themselves.  Do the things that make you happy and learn to say "no"  (in a nice way of course!).  This journey through infertility is hard enough as it is.  As my husband tells me, "this is your time to be selfish."  Now I just need to believe it.

Maybe I will get that massage......

National Infertility Awareness Week: Busting Myths...Infertility does not affect the young and healthy.

Happy National Infertility Awareness Week!  What, you didn't know about it?  Well, now you do and I am counting on you to spread the word.

As part of National Infertility Awareness Week, RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association, is encouraging bloggers from the infertility community to "Bust Infertility Myths."  We were challenged to answer the following question: 

"What is the biggest infertility myth and how has it affected your life or the life of your friends and family members?"

There are so many myths surrounding infertility that I wasn't quite sure which one I wanted to tackle.  After much thought, I finally settled on the myth that infertility does not affect young, healthy people. 

My whole life I have been healthy.  Probably obnoxiously healthy.  I have never had a broken bone or been sick for long periods of time.  I don't have diabetes or even allergies.  I have pretty much always eaten a healthy diet (I am a dietitian afterall) and exercise has always been a huge part of my life. 

To me, being healthy is one of the most important things you can do for yourself.  Eating well and exercising has kept both my physical and mental state in good shape.  I am disciplined about it (as my friends and family know), but to me it's worth it.  My belief is this: you only get ONE body, so why abuse it?  I am well aware that  fixing or replacing parts is not only painful, but expensive as well.

You would think that with this great approach to health, that I would be the least likely person to be struggling with infertility. I certainly never thought that I would be the one going through this.  I remember hearing about it happening to some friends of friends and I felt so sad for them.  Never once, did I think I would become one of them.  Now, here I am, at age 32, going through this whole experience. 

Honestly, I am frustrated.  I feel like the body I have worked so hard at taking care of has completely failed me.  Why did I bother with taking such good care of myself?  I still struggle with this one, but I know that this is a completely irrational thought.  I might be in a worse situation, had I not taken care of myself.

I honestly believe that things happen for a reason. I know that I was meant to speak up about infertility.  To be a voice and to encourage other women and men to open up and not be embarrased or ashamed.  I have learned so much through this whole process and for that I am grateful.  I have become much more patient, as now I realize I am not the one in control here.  I have taken the time to nurture myself and take care of my mental self as well as my physical self.  I believe that if I am meant to bring a baby into this world, it will happen.  And when that baby comes, it will be the ultimate blessing.

For a basic understanding of infertility: http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
The background of National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW): http://www.resolve.org/takecharge.